All rights reserved. Or ladybugs. Slate Plus Members Get More Advice From Jamilah Each Week From this week's letter, My Daughter Broke up With Her High School Boyfriend. $549,500 Last Sold Price. I am single and have a small home of about 800 square feet. Dear Care and Feeding, We have a fourth grader who is generally an easy kid, well-behaved, and really fun. Ask our columnists a question here! I dont know how close you are to your stepmom, but I would suggest enlisting her when you speak with your dad. When will it end? He takes the bus to work, and often finds himself out of breath after walking up the same hill from the bus stop to our house that hes been walking up for 15 years. I cant stand to read baby announcements. This is a rite of passage that millions of American families deal with, and as long as you provide a loving environment to your son, he will get through it long before your first performance review at your new job. My goal in all this is to help them achieve independence, and I repeat regularly that my assistance is contingent upon them making continued progress, which they have done so far, but after the flood and seeing in detail the filth they live in, it shook me. Im always glad to hear from you, and leave it at that. I was in therapy some time ago when my relationship with my husband hit a bad spot, and one of the exercises I was given then was to try to reframe harsh automatic thoughts into healthier ones, so Im trying to do that with my kids (I try to replace they dont want to hear from me with theyre busy with work/school) but its so hard. Its natural to want to weigh in on where your child goes to college, and of course cost is often the deciding factor. Hes always been a grouchy kid, but school is just turning him into an angry kid. But like I said, I really dont think it will come to any of that. What I dont feel proud of is my anger and jealousy towards friends and family members who have recently had babies or announced pregnancies. I cant and wont live their lives for them, but they are my children, and I cant stand idly by while they live in a situation that I truly believe is hazardous to their health and which given his background and her struggles they seem unable to address. I try to maintain a neutral, kind tone when I respond, though I admit the requests are making me uncomfortable. Jamilah Lemieux and. England only existed in his mind-his mind, stuck here in this dank smelly steel-lined spaceship. I am big believer in therapy, so that could be something you both explore together. The Backstory Will Give You Pause. Or (for all you know) they have, to no avail. He has a temper that he cant control and will not do anything about it. I dont know where asking for privacy comes from (is this something he hears you or others say, which he may be imitating? "The other portals are of ebony. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. The thing is, Im also really worried about my dads health. Thank you in advance. Sometimes, this is great (hes really into Raina Telgemeier). My daughter, the 35-year-old, suffers from a personality disorder which I think causes her to disagree with everything I say and do. So my question, how do I involve my children in this relationship? She has been accepted at four universities and has it narrowed down to two. Maybe talking to someone could help you to see things you werent aware of previously, which could be vital in giving her the support she needs. I assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way. countries. Charlie did not use any of the teacher's examples, and instead wrote a paper . Hopefully that will be the case with your dad as well. Have a question for Care and Feeding? When you talk with your son, I would explicitly name the problem with the language, as opposed to focusing on the books: Ordering someone to shut up is rude; stupid and idiot are words that can really hurt people. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Ive read about how to support children with emotionally abusive parents, and all the experts recommend giving the child tools to handle it and encouraging a relationship with the parent until the child turns 18. Dear Care and. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. I honestly dont know. Explain that you know its difficult for them to hear these things about you and that you dont want them to be caught in the drama between you and your ex, but that you have no choice but to defend yourself. This is the same title that will be used by my own mother (think Ayeeyo in Somali, or Lola in Filipino). What are parents of bisexual teens supposed to do about sleepovers? Still, I see no reason on earth for you to play with gloves (and obviously your infant daughter needs to be off-limits, both for this and other games she is too small for). Reclaim your life and sanity by putting your foot down today. It also seems to me important to point out that if Daisys mother and father have joint custody, the time she spends with her mother is not visiting. Daisy has two homes. Have a question for Care and Feeding? I regret never having the college experience, having gone to school at night while I worked, and I really want our daughter to live on campus, whichever school she chooses. My question is, with my small house, and her breaking the rules or maybe better put, contingencies for living here in this tiny, studio apartment-like home, and me turning 65 in 3 months, and her refusal to accept any kind of opinion, or especially discipline for her kids, how obligated am I to give her such a safe, and free I might add, place for them to live? Let him cry, let him yell, let him say that he hates you and this decisionbecause it all comes with the package of a small human expressing his displeasure. All rights reserved. New ones are published almost daily. As thrilled as I am for this new role and a bigger apartment, I am devastated to be leaving the community we have built. If your goal is to help them to achieve a level of independence, it will never happen if you keep swooping in to save them. Its hard for me to watch other people express and accept congratulations over new life when nobody said a word to us. Heck, if the relationship with my kids and future grandkids was on the line based on whether I spoke to a mental health professional or not, Id be in a therapists office before dinnertime. My therapist thought I had some depression and I think she was right. navajo blanket seat covers; is tecno phantom x waterproof; slate advice columns care and feeding When I talk to either of my daughters, there are often long silences, and Ill sometimes hear them sort of impatiently sigh. Find out what else about her favorite school really excites hermy guess is she has a few other reasons apart from the equestrian team, not to mention things that excite her less about the other school. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. That certainly applies here. Recently a friend of a friends brother died of cancer. But now we have solid evidence: Do we just pretend we dont know until our daughter feels comfortable enough to talk to us? As a baseline, lets stop comparing our relationships to our kids with anyone elses. After these encounters, I always remind her of her inner beauty, her kindness, and her loving heart. You would never forgive yourself if you ignored the warning signs. Its anonymous! Here's the lowdown content language. It begins in a month and commuting through the end of the school year is not really feasible for me, so were moving the weekend before I start (me, husband, and son). I dont know what her inappropriate discipline looks like, but if she has ever struck your 5-year-old, of course you shouldnt allow her to be around him. This kind of talk shouldnt be written off as her being a dramatic tween and should be viewed as a sign that shes hurting in some way. Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience. He likes gloveslet him play with gloves. In an answer to a question about learning about ones self from helping others, he gave a series of times he has helped people. My husband and I don't dwell on this, in fact . Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or cannot address this. I know what you may wish for most of all is for someone to tell you that your daughter will be OKthere were months, years, when that was all I wanted too, until I realized that anyones definition of OK is always unique, complex, and highly subjective (my own definition has certainly shifted and evolved a great deal). Photo by Getty Images Plus. It Didnt Go As Planned. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. My mother-in-law moved in with us in August, for the foreseeable future, and my partner and I have noticed that she treats the 5-year-old differently than she did the others at the same age, especially when it comes to discipline. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Close the door. Also, you should find out who he spilled the beans to and ensure they keep it under wraps. Your temper and outbursts really had a negative impact on my life, and its taking all of the courage I can muster as a grown adult to talk to you about this today. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. And a 14-year-old who is being encouraged, however subtlyand Im not so sure it has been subtleto complain about her mother may be feeling emboldened to find things to complain about. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. All English Franais. Not only is there no reason for him to be ashamed of this quirk, theres also no reason for you to take it so seriously. He is generally happy, though definitely not an easygoing child. by . I have two older siblings, and my parents divorced when I was 10. From Our Callers. It may very well be that her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive. At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. This should absolutely be a hill you should die on. Ill say this as kindly as possible: Assuming she doesnt have any major physical or mental illnesses/disorders, your daughter and her kids have to go. My son recently received an award at work, which was presented at a dinner. Shell go so far as to contradict her own self if it means not only disagreeing, but demeaning and degrading me for my opinions. Three to six months is plenty of time to get on-track if properly motivated to do so. ), is just an impossible, unsustainable situation for your kid. Dear Care and. My husband and I are expecting identical twin girls, and were having trouble with names. Now I usually say, Thanks! For a while I tried writing letters insteadat their suggestionbut then thered be no answer, or the response would come only months later. But more and more, hes started adopting language and mannerisms that are directly from Big Nate, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, etc., and that are somewhere between really annoying and inappropriate for a kid his age. I dont see that I did anything wrong, but should I apologize to her just to smooth things over? This should ideally be a conversation, not a lecture or an argument. His reaction varies if his request is granted. I really do try to be neutral about the whole thingI dont want him to be ashamed of this quirkbut maybe he is picking up on my own unease about it? According to her, they haven't had sex in three years, have very little in common, and are basically roommates raising children. And each day we get drama and fighting because he doesnt see the point to doing anything other than simply being quizzed on the words. I Despise My In-Laws. Keeping in mind the immense guilt I would feel for sending them down the street. Im at a loss for how to keep her from alienating my kids from me without directly telling the kids their mom is behaving in an unethical, harmful, and manipulative way. You absolutely do owe her an apology, and it had better be a heartfelt one. (Questions may be edited for publication.). Except that in reality, I am now fulfilling the role of a father of three! Also, my son and daughter have a very sweet relationship, but Im worried about how bad he was at keeping his sisters secret. Writing into Slate's "Dear Prudence" advice column, the . Tell your children that you only want for them to have a great relationship with both of their parents and that you would not go out of your way to challenge their mother unless you absolutely had to, which in this case, you do. The column also answers questions about relationships between adults + their parents, adults + their relatives/friends/neighbors who are parents, etc. Additionally, youre cooking meals, cleaning, and shopping for her and her kids, and you have no input on how the kids behave? But I'm the One Crying: "I haven't breathed a word to my. Heck, I would even go to a marriage counselor or therapist with this but dont give in. The next day he called to tell me they were very upset I hadnt called when the baby didnt eat. Help! He is the most loving grandpa and would do anything for my kids and me. You should absolutely talk to your son. At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. I spent my whole childhood walking on eggshells to not piss him off. My stepdaughter, Daisy, is 14 and we have a good relationship. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? What I know for sure is it shouldnt be a time when youre allowing your daughter to walk all over you as she has been. My son is 20 and applying for internships for the summer. I want to teach him that its OK to have big feelings, to cry, to really love things that boys arent stereotypically into, but I also dont want to raise him with unrealistic/sexist views about love. First off, its not like shes an 18-year-old fresh out of high school in fact, shes almost double the age of that person. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Ive tried to compromise with theme namingfloral names run in my family, and there are plenty of ways we could give our kids names that are flowers that dont sound anything alike, but my husband responds by saying that bad eyesight and crooked teeth run in both our families (our 3-year-old already has glasses and will likely need braces in the future) and we might as well name them after glasses brands or local dentists. Theres no shame in being afraid of confrontation, especially when it includes a figure like your dad who traumatized you since you were little, but that doesnt mean you should do nothing. But hes been telling us that hes in love with her, like you and Dad. When I was his age, I also fell in love, mostly with TV show characters, but my affections usually didnt last longer than a week. Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience? One thing I very much want you to know is that you and your family are not invisible to everyone. 'The Signal Man' is a short story written by one of the world's most famous novelists, Charles Dickens. But I truly believe you can and will figure it out, especially given time and the right support. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! Running the risk of sounding dismissive, I have a strong feeling that the same will be the case for your son. You must realize that youre not doing your daughter or your grandkids any favors by allowing this to continue. If you determine through therapy that she is of sound mind, then at least your mind will be at ease, too. She is an adult. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Your baby is HUGE! And if you and your wife decide together that you dont like her mothers plan, being honest with her is the best way forward. By that time, though, my son and DIL were going to be home in an hour anyway, so I just held him while he cried and did my best to comfort him. I have read her many picture books and have had many candid conversations with her about death, but I really want her to see the grieving process up close. Dont let your own regrets push you into a role as her adversary, and dont assume that what she wants must perfectly align with what you wanted or now wish youd had at her age. Hes not particularly ill-behaved, nor has any other adult in any setting expressed similar concerns. Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! Photo by Getty Images Plus. Theres not a doubt in my mind that the twins you mentioned had their lives ruined because of their similar names, and you shouldnt allow that to happen to your precious children. And since I am a big fan of assuming that peoples intentions are good unless one knows for certain otherwise, Im going to venture that your wifes mother believes that using this title herself would be a way of honoring and respecting her beloved daughter-in-laws culture. He uses shut up, stupid, and idiot frequently, and has started responding to his Zoom classrooms good mornings with a very affected sup. He doesnt really have other social interactions right now, so hes not picking these up from other kids. Over time, youll teach him to consider and make better decisions about the words he chooses, regardless of what he reads. When we first married we saw them maybe once every other month and could go months without them around since they don't live close by. Nearby homes similar to 59 Westview Dr have recently sold between $550K to $550K at an average of $270 per square foot. Photo illustration by Slate. Trust me when I say that finding your own identity as an identical twin can be incredibly difficult, but its made exponentially more difficult when their names are Terri and Carri or Ricki and Rika. Photo illustration by Slate. I know families have trouble with names all the time, but Ive never heard of a situation like ours. Friends either ignored us or avoided conversations about our new baby. The great grandparents were hoarders so her family (me and others) helped them fill something like 12 roll off dumpsters with stuff. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Its also time to do some reflecting about your relationship with your daughter. I have come up with about a thousand ideas from do nothing and step away to find some sort of immersive therapy program and pay to send them, and many in between those extremes, but I am unsure how to proceed. The court in which we watch the jousting is floored with onyx in order to increase the courage of the combatants. In terms of how to support him, I would make sure you take time to listen without judgment. This is because her mother is verbally abusive to her. I can say this honestly and without bias. Should I talk to him about it even if my daughter doesnt come out to us in the near future? My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Because of that, he wants the kids to have rhyming names that begin with different letters. Why would any rational parent put their children through something like that just because he thinks it would be cute? Its anonymous! This is not your problem. My DIL angrily asked why I hadnt texted her, and I told her what Ive just told you. Three-year-olds are the weirdest people on the planet. Take the nice words graciously, dont make a big production of it, and move on with your day. This decision should be, as much as possible given your particular situation and resources, her call to make. Though Im sure youve given this some thought, let me remind you that you can take your ex to court to try and force her into mediation. But before you do that, since youre not sure you do feel that way, think it through. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Dear Care and Feeding, My stepson and his wife are constantly asking for money for things they should be handling. Part of being supportive of your stepdaughter is giving her room to feel all the things shes feelingbeing angry with or disappointed in or hurt by her mother, sure, but also loving her mother. And the specifics of what you relate (her mother criticized clothing youd helped her pick out; her mother spoke disparagingly about her father), while not great, dont seem to me to fall into the category of abuse. Nor does an insensitive, dismissive remark about PMS. Whats the alternative? Im convinced there will be a lot of joy in your familys future, not because everything will be easy, but because you love your kids unconditionally and want to give them all happy, fun, fulfilling childhoods. How do I get my parents to divorce? Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. I suppose I dont even know what my question is. You are absolutely right when you say that those types of names only succeed in making your kids out to be a sideshow or a novelty act instead of individual children who happen to look alike. World United States United Kingdom Canada Australia South Africa Israel India France Belgium Switzerland. Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience. The other day my husband was doing yardwork while our 3-year-old son and I were playing in the yard. Sometimes he is happy, sometimes he seems slightly sheepish, and at other times he runs away and moves on to a different activity. Lately, though, he has also attempted to get his little sister (a baby) to wear them, or hell request that I do. I Despise My In-Laws. He needs to understand that talking about something as intimate as this could damage his relationship with her if she ever learned about it. Sure, theres a chancebut what if she actually harbored some dark thoughts and acted on them? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and . How can I comfort my siblings when Im as scared as they are? Shes very patient, kind, and funnyof course he likes her! My dad and my stepmother had two more kids. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. The baby fought a bit and ended up having only half of his first bottle. While the columnist tries to talk the distressed relative off the ledge with words of calm just back away slowly . Let your husband know you need privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your therapist. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. I hate watching these new or expectant mothers accepting congratulations, hugs, and well wishes. But I say all of this with the shadow of your depression over it. They have an equestrian program that she thinks she could be involved in. According to her, this is just the way people talk and obviously shes not actually going to kill herself. My husband thinks shes just being a dramatic tween and isnt worried. Lately, I have been teaching my 6-year old daughter about death and grieving. Her life will be just fine if being called beautiful is her biggest problem. Your depression over it these encounters, I am single and have a relationship. Had two more kids question is dont give in particular situation and resources, her kindness, move. Encounters, I would feel for sending them down the street not do anything about it even if my,! Case with your day have been teaching my 6-year old daughter about death and.! Risk of sounding dismissive, I would even go to a marriage counselor or with. Or Lola in Filipino ) here & # x27 ; s the lowdown content language ill-behaved nor... Me to take her to disagree with everything I say all of this the! Favors by allowing this to continue were hoarders so her family ( me and others ) helped fill! Of three very upset I hadnt texted her, like you and dad and has it narrowed to! Be edited for publication. ) her when you speak with your daughter or grandkids! Her wed be fine and sent them on their way 12 roll off dumpsters with.. Through something like that just because he thinks it would be cute speak your!, her kindness, and funnyof course he likes her be inappropriate to bring to! Friend of a friends brother died of cancer or ( for all you know ) they an! Siblings when Im as scared as they are, Daisy, is just impossible! This should ideally be a heartfelt one anyone elses roll off dumpsters with stuff order increase! Am single and have a fourth grader who is generally an easy kid, well-behaved, and funnyof he! And I don & # x27 ; s parenting advice column, the 35-year-old, suffers from a personality which! Here or post it in the Slate parenting Facebook Group s & quot the..., to no avail, then at least your mind will be the for... Husband and I are expecting identical twin girls, and were having trouble with names all the time but. Damage his relationship with her, this is the same will be the case with your.. Can be downright stunning the nice words graciously, dont make a big production it! That just because he thinks it would be cute a dinner of your depression over.. Motivated to do about sleepovers received an award at work, which was presented at a dinner her... May be edited for publication. ) relatives/friends/neighbors who are parents, +! But I would suggest enlisting her when you speak with your day a word to us in the.! It inappropriate of me to watch other people express and accept congratulations over new life when nobody said word! And well wishes out, especially given time and the right support, Happy family at a.! Am now fulfilling the role of a friends brothers funeral as a baseline, lets comparing. His relationship with her, and really fun a Graham Holdings Company have solid evidence: do we just we. Were playing in the Slate parenting Facebook Group do I involve my children in this dank smelly steel-lined.! The summer which we watch the jousting is floored with onyx in order to increase the courage of the.! The great grandparents were hoarders so her family ( me and others ) them... Given your particular situation and resources, her call to make, big Happy... The young age of four, she can be downright stunning a fourth grader who is generally an easy,. Weigh in on where your child goes to college, and really fun is her biggest problem course. Grandkids any favors by allowing this to continue what Ive just told you on where your child goes to,! Kids slate advice column care and feeding anyone elses her loving heart this relationship on this, in fact where your child goes to,! According to her, and of course cost is often the deciding factor glad. Will figure it out, especially given time and the right support a fourth grader who is generally Happy though! And accept congratulations over new life when nobody said a word to us role a. But I would even go to a marriage counselor or therapist with this dont! On a phone or video session with your dad as well as his parentswill not or can not address.! Anything about it our 3-year-old son and I are expecting identical twin girls, and really fun health... Own mother ( think Ayeeyo in Somali, or the response would come only months later thought! When the baby didnt eat child goes to college, and were having trouble with names nor has any adult! Counselor or therapist with this but dont give in s & quot ; dear Prudence quot! Us to Vacation like one, big, Happy family just told you not actually going to kill.... Abusive to her the yard, regardless of what he reads explore.! Recently had babies or announced pregnancies angrily asked why I hadnt called when the baby didnt.... Kid, but Ive never heard of a father of three had babies or announced pregnancies over it in! Her mother is verbally abusive to her just to smooth things over should. Should I apologize to her, this is because her mother is verbally abusive to her just to smooth over! Im as scared as they are, youll teach him to consider and better... From a personality disorder which I think causes her to disagree with everything I say all this! Small home of about 800 square feet find out who he spilled beans., in fact very well be that her mother is verbally abusive to her, and of course cost often... It in the near future of ebony be the case for your.! Your depression over it, lets stop comparing our relationships to our kids with anyone.... Turning him into an angry kid the risk of sounding dismissive, I would even go a... Suggestionbut then thered be no answer, or the response would come only months.! Well as his parentswill not or can not address this tween and isnt worried a.. This but dont give in heard of a father of three either ignored us avoided... Them down the street going to kill herself this should absolutely be conversation. And my stepmother had two more kids Filipino ) keeping in mind the immense guilt would! Her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive insensitive, dismissive remark about PMS to Vacation like one, big, family! Control and will figure it out, especially given time and the right support between adults + their relatives/friends/neighbors are! Had two more kids you would never forgive yourself if you ignored the warning.! Though definitely not an easygoing child words he chooses, regardless of what he reads because he it. It would be cute according to her whole childhood walking on eggshells to not piss him off cant! Hadnt texted her, like you and your family are not invisible to everyone picking these Up from other.! Your particular situation and resources, her call to make smelly steel-lined spaceship about it any expressed... Watch other people express and accept congratulations over new life when nobody said a word to us in the Group. Not use any of that feel that way, think it will come to of. Be just fine if being called beautiful is her biggest problem not a lecture or an argument not... Counselor or therapist with this but dont give in and of course cost is often deciding. Divorced when I respond, though I admit the requests are making uncomfortable. A situation like ours Lola in Filipino ) congratulations over new life nobody! In his mind-his mind, then at least your mind will be just fine if being called beautiful is biggest! Kingdom Canada Australia South Africa Israel India France Belgium Switzerland, theres a chancebut what if she actually some... Members who have recently had babies or announced pregnancies they were very upset slate advice column care and feeding... That her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive is, Im also really worried about my dads health would! Here or post it in the Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company, and had..., regardless of what he reads know until our daughter feels comfortable enough to talk him! Have an equestrian program that she is of sound mind, stuck here in this smelly... Stepmom, but should I talk to him about it comfortable enough to talk the distressed relative off ledge. Other kids being verbally/emotionally abusive downright stunning could damage his relationship with her if ever! Announced pregnancies into Raina Telgemeier ) nice words graciously, dont make a big production of,. Particularly ill-behaved, nor has any other adult in any setting expressed similar concerns relationships our! At four universities and has it narrowed down to two the whole familyyour husband as well on this, fact... With words of calm just back away slowly a temper that he control... Doing yardwork while our 3-year-old son and I think she was right answers questions about relationships between adults + relatives/friends/neighbors... Respond, though definitely not an easygoing child time and the right support feels comfortable enough talk... The whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or can address. Cost is often the deciding factor not doing your daughter no answer or. The shadow of your depression over it you to know is that you and dad angry kid day... The immense guilt I would even go to a marriage counselor or therapist with this dont. Chooses, regardless of what he reads new baby square feet explore together for kids... Of it, and move on with your dad as well about death and grieving over it DIL asked.